FEATURE
The Craziest Injuries in TNBL
TNBL players have no shortage of imaginative ways of getting injured.
by BORK MAWMAN
#6 - Atlanta Braves: C Gernot Rieser was injured when his wife hit him with a frying pan during an argument. The Diagnosis: Blurred vision. This injury keeps him out of action for 2 weeks.

Domestic violence is never funny, but this case is so bizarre that it’s hard not to laugh at it. For one, the use of the frying pan as the weapon of choice is so cliche that it’s hard to believe that it happened in real life and not some slapstick-comedy cartoon. And two, Rieser had just turned 18 years old at the time of the incident. Two (presumably) newlyweds being far enough along in their relationship to hate each other’s guts is impressive. That sort of thing usually takes a few years. Thankfully, things seemed to have calmed down between Rieser and his wife, and he hasn’t sustained any injuries since -- domestic or otherwise. It’s not exactly a storybook ending, though, as Rieser is now almost 24 and currently struggling in A-.

#5 (tie) - Fargo Rage: CF Jovica Ognenovic was injured when he cracked his molar on a sesame seed roll. The Diagnosis: Undisclosed injury. This injury keeps him out of action for 2 weeks.
#5 (tie) - Myrtle Beach Mermen: RF Danny Nunez was injured when he cracked his molar on a sesame seed roll. The Diagnosis: Undisclosed injury. This injury keeps him out of action for 4 days.

On its own, a player cracking his tooth while eating probably wouldn’t be enough to make this list. But the fact that it’s happened to two different players who were eating the exact same thing makes it pretty remarkable. I know sesame seeds are tough little shits, but c’mon guys. Thanks to these two guys, at least one team has outlawed sesame seeds for being “too dangerous”, and the TNBL is considering a league-wide ban in the offseason. If that happens, Silvio den Dekker will have to switch to the seedless buns for his daily order of five-hundred Big Macs from McDonald’s.

#4 - Houston Astros: SP Rafael Dominguez was injured while cutting a brownie out of a pan. The Diagnosis: Undisclosed injury. This injury keeps him out of action for 2 weeks.

Let’s be real: this is a cover-up. Nobody gets a two-week injury while cutting a brownie out of a pan. It’s what was in the brownies that’s more interesting. Players don’t get drug tested while on the DL, and the Astros just happened to put Dominguez on the DL for just long enough for edible CBD to get out of a person’s system. Hmm…

#3 - Portland Beavers: RP Andres Espinoza was injured . The Diagnosis: Fell Through Barn Roof. This injury keeps him out of action for 8 weeks.

Espinoza got a second- and third-opinion, but no doctor could tell him exactly what was wrong with him. Whenever he’d ask, they’d simply shake their head and say “son, you fell through a barn roof.” Thanks for nothing guys. I could’ve told him that. The Portland team doctors considered falling through a barn roof so serious that they wouldn’t let Espinoza play for 8 weeks. And here I thought no team could have worse doctors than the MLB Mets.

#2 - Buffalo Wild Wings: RP Frenk Jacobs was injured when he missed the team flight. The Diagnosis: Undisclosed injury. This injury keeps him out of action for 6 days.

All we know about this injury is that nothing physically happened to Jacobs -- he just missed his flight. That means this injury must’ve been something mental. I missed the bus a few times as a kid, and that walk back home was always the worst since you knew your mom would be pissed now that she’d be late for work. Hell, that feeling was so bad that sometimes I wouldn’t walk back home at all, I’d just skip school for the day. We can only assume that’s what happened to Jacobs.

#1 - St. Louis Cardinals: LF Nolan Wills was injured after being bit by a poisonous snake. The Diagnosis: Undisclosed injury. This injury keeps him out of action for 6 days.

The Cardinals refused to disclose the actual details of the injury, which seems odd since they were very open about the incident leading up to it. We can only guess here, but I think the injury might have something to do with being bit by a snake. It’s less clear why Wills was out for 6 days, but I do have a theory: after being bitten by the snake, the poisonous venom seeped through the player’s body and he passed out. Look at that sleepy fuck. And then he got right back up and started eating all over again 'cause he’s a hungry little bastard. Nolan “Honey Badger” Wills has a nice ring to it. Victor “Rattlesnake” Sanchez better watch the fuck out.


Honorable Mentions
  • Baton Rouge Red Sticks: 2B Alfredo Moreno was injured while saving a woman from being attacked by a mugger. The Diagnosis: Dislocated finger. This is a day-to-day injury expected to last 4 days.
  • Cloud City Sky Pirates: SS Won-chul Hoang was injured while attempting to tear a phonebook in half. The Diagnosis: Undisclosed injury. This injury keeps him out of action for 3 days.
  • Baton Rouge Red Sticks: C Mike Mann was injured while falling off the stage at an Awards Ceremony. The Diagnosis: Torn labrum (Shoulder). This injury keeps him out of action for 10 months.
  • Fargo Rage: 1B Jason Brocklebank was injured while getting in a fight with a neighbor. The Diagnosis: Fractured finger. This injury keeps him out of action for 6-7 weeks.
  • Baton Rouge Red Sticks: LF Yasushi Yamaguchi was injured when he was robbed at gunpoint. The Diagnosis: Foot contusion. This injury keeps him out of action for 2 weeks.
  • Cleveland Indians: SP Shiroku Kawamoto was injured while falling out of bed after having a nightmare. The Diagnosis: Shoulder tendinitis. This is a day-to-day injury expected to last 2 weeks.
  • Baton Rouge Red Sticks: CF Eddie Melendez was injured when he fell off his scooter. The Diagnosis: Strained oblique. This is a day-to-day injury expected to last 1-2 weeks.
  • Vinson Emperors: LF Alberto Barreras was injured when his fingers got stuck in a bowling ball. The Diagnosis: Strained back. This is a day-to-day injury expected to last one week.
  • Los Angeles Earthquakes: SS Rick Trejo was injured running away from the police. The Diagnosis: Bruised shoulder. This is a day-to-day injury expected to last one week.
  • Philadelphia Phillies: SS Errol Guest was injured when his car was struck by a train. The Diagnosis: Sprained wrist. This is a day-to-day injury expected to last 4 days.
  • Chicago Crappers: 3B Jose Acevedo was injured while changing a tire on the side of the road. The Diagnosis: Mild hamstring strain. This injury keeps him out of action for one week.
  • Texas Stars: LF Frank Nieves was injured when he fell off his scooter. The Diagnosis: Jammed finger. This is a day-to-day injury expected to last 3 days.
  • Chicago Crappers: RP Oscar Madrid was injured while falling out of his son's treehouse. The Diagnosis: Sprained thumb. This injury keeps him out of action for 3 weeks.
  • Chicago Crappers: 1B Miguel Cervantes was injured while playing dodgeball with his teammates. The Diagnosis: Dead arm. This injury keeps him out of action for one week.
  • Los Angeles Earthquakes: RF Fernando Ortiz was injured when he got jumped walking down the street. The Diagnosis: Concussion. This is a day-to-day injury expected to last one week.
  • Detroit Tigers: RP Tony Class was injured when he was attacked by a wild animal during a trip to the zoo. The Diagnosis: Bone marrow edema (knee). This injury keeps him out of action for 2 months.
  • Sunnyvale Huskies: C Miguel Pena was injured while attempting to haul in a large fish. The Diagnosis: Oblique strain. This injury keeps him out of action for 2 weeks.
  • Colorado Rockies: CF Bryce Crutcher was injured when he fell down the stairs while sleepwalking. The Diagnosis: Oblique strain. This injury keeps him out of action for 2 weeks.