NEWS
Nightmare at 20,000 Feet
Cloud City announces the extensions of two star players.
by DR. STEVEN CRENTIST

Note to readers: Cloud City has been called the flying hermit kingdom ever since a huge chunk of LA lifted into the air along with the millions of surprised people living on that now floating city. The Emoji Movie company, owning 20% of the world’s wealth, had decided to form their own city free from the regulations of the land. While in the sky, the Former Angles team has won 4 World Series. However, Cloud City rarely allows their players to be photographed, and almost never lets them speak with the media. The players who are traded from Cloud City are unable to recall their time with the team and get agitated after repeated questioning.

It was a somber scene at 20,000 feet as Cloud City held its first press conference in years. Braving extreme -12 degree weather and extreme altitude sickness, members of the press were taken up to the city from the ground via the Cloud Shuttle. Gan Bi and Herman Ackland, both dressed as if going to funeral, announced that they would sign extensions that would keep them “In the Air” for an addition 5 more seasons. Flanked by armed guards on either side and wearing their team-mandated “Safety” ankle monitors, they briefly answered questions from the audience. This Is the first time in years that Cloud City has allowed their players to appear in public outside of the baseball games.

Ackland, skin blue and hallucinating from hypoxia, managed a few stumbled phrases in between use of the oxygen tank. On how Cloud City compares to New York City he yelled: “They took my family… the shadow people… came at night… and took my family to the sky”. He was quickly escorted out of the room by team officials. Then it was Gan Bi’s turn to speak. Over his career with Cloud City, Bi has consistently put up the best pitching numbers in the league despite the advantage batters have with the lower atmospheric pressure. A ball hit with the same force will travel 42% further then it does in Denver. While most Cloud City players are traded before their first contract is up, Gan Bi is the first player to sign a second extension with the Sky Pirates. Asked why he would sign the extension, he started to blink rapidly and repeatedly for 30 seconds. Eventually a team official prodded Bi with a sharp device, and he finally spoke.

“I just wanted what was best for my family. My family is happy here. Happy and alive here. Why change a good thing?” After this Gan Bi responded to all subsequent questions with: “I love it here. My family loves it here”. Fans later noted that Bi’s blinking spelled out “T-O-R-T-U-R-E” in Morse code. Cloud City officials were quick to call it a coincidence. Additionally, they disputed the nature of the device used to prod Bi, claiming it was an EpiPen and that the player was having an allergic reaction. Later on, Gan Bi Addressed the media in an email: “i was blinking because i Had such strong Emotions about signing an extension with this incredibLe franchise. peoPle believe what they want to believe, but this franchise has always been kind to Me. herE’s to five more seasons."